The year 2010 is approaching, and that means it’s time to cobble together a last-minute list of new year’s resolutions that have zero chance of being fulfilled. So, what’s it going to be this time around? Exercise more? Drink less? Find a real job that pays a living wage? Wait—aren’t those the same resolutions you came up with last December? (Guess it didn't work out, eh?) Sure, you could keep stubbornly insisting that, by golly—with the right attitude and plenty of hard work—things are going to improve in the next calendar year. Or you could stop kidding yourself, and admit that you’re completely powerless to change the direction your crash course of a life has been driving in for the last few years. And what better way to celebrate your new understanding of the plight of the human condition than with a balls-out New Year’s Eve experience? (Who knows—maybe this will be the NYE that pushing all of your anti-social and self-destructive tendencies to the max will magically purge them from your system.) With that in mind, A.V. Club D.C. presents this list of local New Year's Eve events that will help you dig your own personal ditch a little deeper. It's not like you're ever going to actually pull yourself out of it, anyway. New Year’s Resolution: Find that special someone and settle into a loving, monogamous relationship.
How to immediately break it: Take a complete stranger home with you for a night of casual sex.
Where to get it done: BrightestYoungThings’ 2010: A Space Fantasy at Capitol Skyline Hotel (10 I St. SW, 800-458-7500)
In the last year, the young, hip, and fabulous folks over at BrightestYoungThings have turned their arts-and-entertainment blog into a party-planning powerhouse. From the Inauguration 2009 Spectacular to the “Summer Camp” pool-party series to the recent Bentzen Ball comedy festival, BYT has built a reputation for knowing how to put together massive blowouts—and its NYE party should be no different. For $45, partygoers get an open bar all night featuring specialty cocktails and pre-selected call liquors. (The 18+ crowd and others who don’t plan on drinking can get in for $30.) Plus, there will be the usual assortment of DJs, games, and wacky costumes. But make no mistake: This party is about getting laid, and BYT isn't shy about it. The site has even arranged for reduced-rate hotel rooms—so, for $89, “you can just crash there at the end of the night and/or have a threesome with some skanks.”
New Year’s Resolution: Discover new music and expand your taste.
How to immediately break it: Stew in musical nostalgia with a night of accessible late-’90s alternative pop.
Where to get it done: Third Eye Blind at the Grand Hyatt Washington (1000 H St. NW, 202-582-1234)
Say what you will about Third Eye Blind’s nauseatingly overplayed 1997 hit “Semi-Charmed Life,” but you’d be hard-pressed to find a catchier ditty about drug addiction out there. And you have to admit, there’s a certain beauty in the idea of a few hundred stodgy, middle-aged government workers blissfully slurring their way through the lyrics of an ode to amphetamines—which is exactly what you can expect at the Grand Hyatt’s Downtown Countdown. Okay, so the irony isn’t quite worth the event’s laughably inflated $175 price tag. But the cost also covers a few hours of open bar, hors d’oeuvres, performances by three other bands, comedy showcases, karaoke and… ah, who the hell are we kidding? What a friggin' rip-off.
New Year’s Resolution: Add some spontaneity to your otherwise dull existence.
How to immediately break it: Celebrate New Year’s Eve the exact same way you did the last few years.
Where to get it done: Peaches O’Dell And Her Orchestra at The Black Cat (1811 14th St. NW, 202-667-4490)
When did your life settle into such a boring series of predictable routines? Hell, even that kid behind the register at Starbucks knows what you’re going to order before you get to the counter every morning. Well, when 2010 hits, the world had better be ready for the wild-and-crazy new you. (Who knows what you’ll do next—you might even order a caffè misto instead of your regular caffè Americano.) When it comes to the more immediate matter of figuring out your New Year's Eve plans, however, it’s probably best to play it safe. Peaches O’Dell And Her Orchestra have been performing classic dance hits from the ’20s through the ’50s at The Black Cat every New Year’s Eve since 1998 (back when it was half a block further down the street)—and you’ve enjoyed yourself there every time you've gone. For $25 you get a night’s worth of familiar faces, comfortable surroundings, and the same old champagne toasts to making changes in the upcoming year.
New Year’s Resolution: To curb unnecessary spending.
How to immediately break it: Throw away what's left of your savings at an overpriced, sure-to-be-lame New Year’s Eve blowout.
Where to get it done: Christ, where to start?
There are few things that the D.C. club scene does truly well, but cashing in on the lack of imagination of its patrons has always been one of them. For New Year’s Eve, the racket is pretty simple: pack a huge venue with glitzy decorations built around a subtle theme, book a local band that can pull off recognizable covers of both Lady Gaga and Styx, stock a makeshift bar with middle-shelf liquor, and charge a small fortune. It’s the same formula for any of the indistinguishable, ludicrously expensive hotel and club “parties” offered up this year: Big Night D.C.’s New Years Eve Extravaganza at the Gaylord National Resort Hotel (201 Waterfront St. National Harbor, MD, 301-965-2000; $129.99-$189.99), the James Bond-themed License To Thrill Thunderball at the Washington Plaza Hotel (10 Thomas Circle NW, $119-$159), or the Vegas-themed New Year's at The Park At Fourteenth (920 14th St. NW, 202-737-7275; $100-$200), to name a few. After all, who needs recessionary discretion when you have “creative black tie optional”—whatever that means.
New Year’s Resolution: To get out of the house more often
How to immediately break it: Stay in, stock up on cheap champagne, and invite over a few friends
Where to get it done: The peace and comfort of your home
Perhaps there’s more wisdom than tragedy in the New Year’s Eve scene described in The Dismemberment Plan’s “The Ice Of Boston”—a disgruntled loner in his apartment, buck naked, dousing himself with bubbly, drunkenly screaming “Here’s to another goddamn new year” to the crowd below. (Add a few companions and it sounds like a decent way to ring in 2010, no?) Let’s face it: most public New Year’s parties are kitschy, overcrowded, and—in the end—underwhelming. So, screw it. Is there really anything you hope to get out of the night that can’t be accomplished with a group of close friends, a case of Andre, and an iPod playlist?
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