A stadium that promises one of the most fan-unfriendly experiences in the NFL. Exorbitant parking fees combined with ridiculous new restrictions on tailgating. A sales office that—when it isn't busy suing season-ticket holders who have lost their jobs and are unable to pay their bills—sells thousands of general-admission tickets directly to scalpers (sorry, "brokers") while actual fans sit around on a bogus "waiting list" for those same tickets. Yup—it seems as if Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder can't help but constantly one-up himself in terms finding new ways to test the limits of one of the league's most notoriously loyal fanbases. (That's not even getting into the team's incompetence on the playing field.) The most recent example came just last week, when the 'Skins' front office tapped former NFL coaching assistant and current “offensive consultant” Sherman Lewis to take over play-calling responsibilities from head coach Jim Zorn. By Snyder's flawless logic, Lewis was the embattled 2-4 team’s white knight—a man that hadn’t called an offensive play at any level since 2004 and spent the days leading up to the decision calling bingo numbers at a retirement facility in Michigan. And that last part’s not even a joke. The announcement was the latest in a series of passive-aggressive screw-you-Jimbos handed down by Snyder and Executive Vice President Of Football Operations Vinny Cerrato in recent weeks. The take-home message is clear: Zorn’s days as head coach are numbered. Sure, Cerrato has recently been quoted assuring that “Jim Zorn is the head coach of the Washington Redskins…for the rest of this season, and hopefully into the future.” But remember: this is Washington, D.C., a town built on peddling BS to bolster public opinion. Regardless of the executive rhetoric, Zorn’s fate seemed as good as sealed during Monday night’s 27-17 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles—the realization kicked in somewhere between Jason Campbell’s abysmal trio of cough-ups and Antwaan Randle-El’s unsuccessful attempt to headbutt an incoming punt. The team’s remaining schedule does little to help Zorn’s chance of turning things around: two 6-0 teams (the New Orleans Saints and Denver Broncos), six other playoff contenders, and one possible (but far from automatic) victory at Oakland. In short, he’s a dead man walking.
But hey, at least there’s a faint silver lining to this shitcloud of a season. When Jim Zorn is officially relieved of the burden of professional coaching, he’ll finally have the chance to follow his true passions in life. Let’s face it: football’s not the guy’s strong suit. He might have duped Redskins management into thinking he was a prodigious offensive strategist a couple years ago, but anyone that can navigate a game of Madden ’94 knows better than to call a halfback pass on third-and-goal (see Week Two vs. the St. Louis Rams) or to build a pass-centered West Coast offense around a painfully lethargic quarterback (see every snap that Campbell has taken this year). It’s clearly time for Mr. Zorn to think about life after football; luckily for him, The A.V. Club is here to offer some much-need career advice.
Mayor of Detroit
Since orchestrating a pitiful 19-14 loss to the Lions on September 27th, bringing an end to Detroit’s infamous 19-game skid, Zorn has been the most beloved middle-aged sports figure in Motown since Bill Laimbeer. To his credit, Zorn is an undeniably charismatic leader—a reputation he first earned as the starting QB for the expansion-era Seattle Seahawks in the mid ’70s. And given the Seahawks’ less-than-stellar record under his leadership (as well as his work with the 'Skins this season), Zorn seems capable of maintaining irrational levels of optimism in times of utter devastation—a requisite trait for anyone willing to run for office in the closest thing to a post-apocalyptic dystopia in America. (With all due respect to the Motor City.) Granted, Zorn likely has little to bring to the table to curb the city’s skyrocketing crime and 30-percent unemployment rate, but he’d still be a guaranteed step up from former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. And, even if he can’t get past mayor David Bing in the Democratic primary, he’ll still never have to pay for a beer at any sports pub in the town for the rest of his life.
Team chaplain for the Washington Nationals
First, Zorn is known to be a god-fearing Christian and an active supporter of Pro Athletes Outreach, a program to train "professional athletes and their wives to become leaders in Christ” (whatever the hell that means). It goes without saying that the Nats can use all the help from above they can get next season—and with the unholy talent of Stephen Strasburg hitting the District in April, someone needs to keep our motley band of lovable misfits along a righteous track. (Given the onslaught of largely deserved criticism Zorn has suffered through over the past six weeks, he likely has a few fascinating insights on the Book Of Job to share with whoever’s willing to listen.) Second, Zorn’s been there. If the Nats are the piss-poor kings of D.C.’s lackluster sports scene, the 2009 Redskins are its mind-bogglingly inept princes. At the very least, Zorn will provide a friendly, nonjudgmental shoulder on which Nats manager Jim Riggleman can cry.
Mid-season addition to The Real Housewives Of D.C. Cast
Filming of the D.C.-centric season of Bravo’s wildly popular reality television series may be close to wrapping, but the Zorn family would still be a cunning late-game addition to the cast. Anyone that’s seen Zorn in a post-embarrassing-loss press conference (of which there have been plenty) knows the guy can handle himself in front of a camera, even as the subject of nationwide ridicule—and the show seems to have a soft spot for the families of washed up professional athletes. (Eric Snow? Really, Bravo?) More importantly, Zorn’s wife and family seem to be a perfect fit for the show: wealthy, attractive, and sufficiently WASP-y. To add to their resume, the Zorns are recognizable local philanthropists, making notable donations to organizations like Medical Teams International (which aims to "address the causes and effects inadequate of health care worldwide"—or some equally vague do-gooder baloney). There’s one possible setback here: Joy Zorn seems like a perfectly pleasant person. In order to fit in with the show’s aesthetic, Mrs. Zorn will likely have to pick up a hyper-inflated sense of self importance—or at least a homosexual best friend and an overstated affinity for half-decade-old fashion. That could be a deal breaker.
Half-drunk conspiracy theorist outside of the Columbia Heights Five Guys
Plenty of well-respected NFL analysts (including Jaws Jaworski) seem convinced that Zorn has been unfairly used as a punching bag throughout the season, while all serious blame for the season’s failure falls on the Redskins' front office. It’s a compelling (and, ahem, true) argument, but one that can also be construed as a gateway to paranoid rants about corporate and government conspiracies. Zorn is bound to crack sometime soon, so perhaps it would be best for him to simply embrace his imminent lunacy now, start printing out homemade pamphlets, and set up shop between Target and Panda Express. In recent interviews, Zorn has expressed no interest in leaving D.C., so (in lieu of suggestion #2 becoming a reality) this could be his only real shot at staying in town. He’s always been more of a talker than a strategist anyway—which is probably why his only apparent role during Monday night’s game was to shoot the breeze with sidelined players as they frantically sought out the nearest position coach. (“Hey Clinton, come here. Did you know the CIA invented swine flu to put a stop to illegal immigration?”)
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